A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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