why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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