im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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