Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
