You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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