have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
