Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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