the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Your penis caused this!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
