i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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