Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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