Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
