now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just threw up on my dentist
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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