We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
