Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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