Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think I just sharted jello shots
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