After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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