I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
