If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
