She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
