I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize