Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
