saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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