my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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