I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize