She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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