nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
