The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
