I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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