I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
