Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
