Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
