The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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