totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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