So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
