I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
