I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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