omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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