morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
