you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
We are two peas in an std pod
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
