Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
