The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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