i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
