If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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