Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
