Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
