Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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