I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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