I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
