She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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