he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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