woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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