It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
