I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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