Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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