so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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