Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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