I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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