Got a toothbrush?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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