he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize